My specialty as a therapist is working with Nice Guys and People Pleasers. I work to help them get more of what they want out of their own lives (and less of what they don’t!).
What is a Nice Guy? In my experience, it’s someone who puts other’s wants, needs and emotions in front of their own. Pretty much all the time. For a Nice Guy, this way of being, this “acting nice” is a reflex – it’s no longer a conscious choice. And that reflex, that focusing on the other all the time, and denying one’s own needs, wants and emotions – ends up causing Nice Guys to slowly become less and less happy in their relationship. They often go from “nice” to “done” overnight.
You might be a Nice Guy if you…
- Avoid conflict like the plague
- Work really, really hard to be liked
- Often say “Yes” when you really would like to say “No”
- Almost never tell people you are angry at them, or upset with them
- Are often disappointed and resentful that you don’t get what you want
- Are anxious about how people feel about you
How do I know this all? I’m a recovering Nice Guy myself. For years I worked so hard to please others, usually the woman I was dating. I’d smile no matter what. My job was to make sure they were happy, or at least not angry. That’s what I thought. I’d avoid asking for what I want, having fights, or daring to call them on something they did.
At their core, Nice Guys are worried about people liking them, loving them, keeping them. They don’t believe they are likeable or loveable just being who they are, so they’ve adopted an ingratiating style as their way of being. A style really of being needed and working hard, since they don’t think they’re wanted just…being.
When coupled, Nice Guys can become pulled between two people they care about and don’t want to disappoint (like their mother and their wife). Or they can even avoid conflict so long they end up walking out instead of talking about what is bothering them (leaving a surprised ex behind). I find a lot of men coming to me trying to decide whether to make a romantic commitment, or whether it’s time to break up, separate or divorce. Also, Nice Guys are sometimes alarmed by the out-of-character eruptions of their own anger or resentment that can happen from time to time.
I help Nice Guys learn how to…
- Identify what they are feeling, what they are thinking, and what they want
- Start advocating for themselves in their relationships
- Communicate more clearly and more often
- Deal with their own anxiety
- Grow their self-esteem and sense of security in relationships
- Set good boundaries
- Deal with conflict, rather than duck it
- Live more authentically!
- Enjoy richer, more intimate, more sustainable relationships
I enjoy helping Nice Guys find a different way of being. One that is more authentic, stronger, and that gets them more of what they want in life. If this sounds like you, give me a call or drop me an email today.
To read more, visit my blog – The Nice Guy Coach, or check out either of the books I recommend to my clients:
Anxious To Please
No More Mr. Nice Guy!