The Boundary Setting Cycle
Well, I just set a boundary. And now I am nervous.I recognize this as a cycle. As least a cycle since I've become conscious enough to start setting boundaries over a decade ago. It goes like this:1) Feel the pressure/dislike of their request/violation2) Get brave3) Set my boundary firmly and directly4) Get nervous and wait [...]
That TED Video on Vulnerability (You Need to Watch It)
Dear Fellow Nice Guys,I call this meeting of Nice Guys Anonymous to order. Please stop fighting over who is giving up the good seats to who. You can apologize later :-)OK, tonight we'll be watching a short (20-minute) movie. It's called The Power of Vulnerability: a TED Talk by Brene Brown. In it, Brene Brown [...]
Wonder What Depression Looks & Feels Like?
This web-comic is a first-hand account of the artist's bout with depression.Having had some shorter visits to that strange land myself, and worked with lots of men and women who are suffering from depression, I think it's spot on. I especially recognize what I talk about most about depression - that is a disease that [...]
A Poem for the Nice Guys
Hi everyone,I'm pretty open that I work with people on this journey because it's my journey, too. I'm coming back around to some old stuff from a higher level (we call it the Spiral Path, where you come back around to things, with more skills, tools and perspective) and this poem is a result. I'll [...]
Nice Guys and Exoskeletons
It came to me today, that I, like many Nice Guys I know, have developed exoskeletons over the years.What do I mean by that?Well, I was thinking about the habits, skills and strategies I have picked up along the way (since, perhaps the beginning of high school). I was a pretty sensitive kid, a smart [...]
A New Perspective on Acceptance
In one of my random readings, a statement of principles from hedge fund trader Ray Dalio (like I said, random) I came into a new view of an old counseling idea - Acceptance.Now, I've known the idea of Acceptance for a long time. To me, it's been part of love, part of "accepting someone as [...]
You Never Knew Your Parents As Non-Parents
As a therapist, and as a client over the years myself, I've had lots and lots of discussions about parents, and how they shape our lives and personalities. In therapist circles, we call this "FOO Work" (FOO is short for Family Of Origin). I certainly have looked at my Mom and my Dad over the [...]
A Quick, But Important Thought for Nice Guys
You will really make a break-through when you take into account how much doing (or not doing) something would disappoint YOU along with how much it might disappoint someone else.It is the balance of these things that makes for good decision making in a relationship.P.S. - many Nice Guys are good at over-estimating how disappointed people [...]
Nice Guys, Frank Burns, and Game Theory
"It's nice to be nice… to the nice." – Col. Frank Burns on the TV show M*A*S*H It surprises me that a great quote for nice guys comes from Frank Burns, who I never would associate with being one. But the heart of the quote really reflects the dilemma that nice guys face in their [...]
