It has felt risky in Seattle in 2024 to say this – but I think men are different than women. No, wait. I know men are different than women.
Whether it’s our hormones, how we look, or how we are taught to be by our culture – it’s a different life being a man than a woman. (Knowing this deep in my bones also leads me to great humility in my dealings with women, as I will never fully know what it feels like to be a woman).
One of the big differences in how men are raised and treated – by BOTH men AND women – is what we call “The Man Box”.
The Man Box is the set of expectations put on men as they grow up about both what to BE (strong, hard working, brave, tough) and what NOT to be (weak, sensitive, vulnerable, emotional).
When a man is caught doing anything outside the man box, he can often expect shaming in the form of comments, like “Man up!”, or “Don’t be a p*ssy!”. So most men stay far, far away from expressing these parts of themselves.
This acculturation can make traditional therapy quite difficult! So, many men stay away. Or go to couples counseling and have a horrible time. I think men deserve better.
Most therapy models, and many therapists, aren’t built to work well for men.
I appreciate all the good strengths that men have developed – it’s good to be able to work hard, to compartmentalize emotions when you need to, to value accountability. But I also know all men have emotions, and all men have needs.
I want to be clear that my work with men is about integrating ALL the parts of them, not getting rid of the great overdeveloped strengths they have relied on for years and years.
I’m not scared of your anger. I’m not embarrassed to hear about your lust. I enjoy laughter and humor as part of our sessions. I can sit with your sadness and pain, too. I understand despair, and also like joy and pleasure. Life brings it all.
I give great credit to the ManKind Project (you can find them at mkpusa.org) for helping me do MY work on these issues. Years of therapy and personal development workshops – even my Master’s in Counseling – did not help create the integration as much as men’s work finally did. I’ve sat in circles with men twice a month for over 8 years now, and learned so much from them, and with them. I bring all the wisdom and deep compassion I’ve learned from my men’s work into the therapy room with me.
